Totally Chaotix
by Danish Ranger
Summary: Anxious to escape the madhouse of Chaotix HQ, when the agency first real mission in ages arises, Espio is straight on the case. However, with Charmy and Vector in tow, he's about to discover the world's even more deranged than his comrades.


Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to Espio the Chameleon or any other characters featured in this work of fanfiction. Comprende?

Totally Chaotix:  
The Dysfunctional Detectives

Stood in front of the bathroom mirror, Espio scraped traces of sushi from between his teeth with a shuriken as he spruced up to step outside the doors of Chaotix Headquarters on their latest assignment. The song "Karma Chameleon" blared out of his bedroom stereo's speakers at full blast, the reverberations rattling the shuriken mobiles hanging from his ceiling, the products of another workless week. But now, Vector had finallyfound them some work. Some _actual_ detective work this time, not just picking up the trail of yet another crying child's lost teddy bear.

Descending the staircase and stepping into Vector's office, Espio found himself facing the back of the crocodile. The reptile then turned around 180 degrees to look at his friend through a lenless pair of glasses, and over the top of a brown bush of synthetic hair that would be more at home inside a scarecrow than on a Sherlock Holmes costume. Alas, it was a Sherlock Holmes costume that the head honcho of the Chaotix Detective Agency had invested in.

"Greetings, my dear Espio," said Vector in a poor imitation of an English accent.

"Greetings to you too, I guess," the chameleon half-mumbled in reply, raising his brow as high as it could go.

"Would you be privy to the whereabouts of our comrade Charmy?" asked Vector, persisting with the accent, sneezing violently as an artificial hair tickled the inside of his nostril.

"No…" Espio answered simply, murmuring something to himself that sounded mysteriously akin to 'pink sappy warts' in the moments after.

Beginning to pace up and down, Vector stroked the disorderly array of brown fluff taped under his nose thoughtfully. Meanwhile, Espio contemplated what costume retailer would have the nerve to sell such a thing under the tag of 'fake moustache'. It would have an easier time passing itself off as a haystack.

As Vector continued to stride up and down the floor space behind his desk, something crossed Espio's mind.

"Did it occur to you to check his room?" the ninja questioned. Vector ceased his pacing almost immediately, which subsequently led Espio to pull a hand down the length of his face.

Refusing to relieve himself of the beyond-ridiculous costume, Vector stayed true to the character he thought he resembled and as he stalked out of his office doorway. Inspecting every bit of floor through an oversized magnifying glass before he set foot on it, the crocodile kept this up all the way to outside Charmy's bedroom, leaving a trail of poorly-glued fake hair behind him. Espio followed after his boss somewhat apprehensively, mumbling the lyrics of "Karma Chameleon" to himself to keep his growing irritation contained.

Shoving the crocodile who was halfway through examining every inch of Charmy's door with his magnifying glass, the impatience Espio quite literally kicked the bee's bedroom door down. The sudden explosion of dust that followed soon cleared to reveal the bee in question sat upon a beanbag, his nose buried in book, the cover of which read 'The Complete Works of William Shakespeare'.

"Charmy, what play are you reading?" the chameleon enquired, rather intrigued to find the hyper 6 year-old _actually_ sitting still.

"To _bee _or not to _bee_, that is the question?" chimed Charmy in response.

"Hamlet…" Espio said to himself, inwardly cringing at the dire quality of the insect's puns. "Why Shakespeare?"

"_Bee_-cause his works are simply _bee_-utiful," said the bee, putting on an even worse English accent than Vector's.

"Becoming the King of Puns are you?" queried Espio, on the verge of grinding his teeth together to keep his cool.

"For as long as I live in this _bee_-utiful world," Charmy practically sang, fluttering his eyelids in the manner of a 15th-century poet.

"Keep that up and you won't _bee_ in this world for much longer," the chameleon warned, suppressing a devilish grin. He had to admit, the incessant puns weren't half as annoying as Charmy's constant Ned Flanders impersonation.

Shaking his head, the chameleon looked back down the hallway outside at Vector, who'd now added a tweed poncho to his evermore-tragic attempt to emulate the 17th-century super-sleuth. Looking away without passing judgment, Espio turned his gaze back inside Charmy's bedroom.

"Hey Hamlet, we've got work," the ninja informed the bee before heading for the front door.

"I'll _bee_ right there!" Charmy called after him, replacing his flight helmet with a pointed green cap, a red feather protruding from its hem. Slotting his antenna into the small holes he'd added especially, the bee reached for the mandolin he'd recently bought and followed after Espio, hovering three feet above the ground as always. He was followed in time by the costumed Vector, who was still vigilantly examining every floorboard he was due to walk on.

Struggling to open the front door, the hinges of which were rusted beyond recognition, Espio kneed the door to open it. Ignoring the three or four eviction notices nailed to it, the chameleon strode off in the direction of civilization.


End file.
